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Monday, September 14, 2009 05:41 AM 

I am married with 3 kids living abroad.My only elder sister arranged my marriage s my mother was no more at that time.My sister is my mother's place now and i give her tremendous respect.My wife is not ready at all to give respect to her and often uses abusive language about her.This is somethingthat is unbearable to me and i can go to any extent to get the respect of my mother like sister maintained.As a result of this tension between my sister and wife, my marital life is completely disturbed and kids are badly suffering.I have tried my best to solve the issue by involving my inlaws and other wise people of the family but to no vail.This is despite i give respect to my inlaws more than my own parents, provided a very high class living standards to my family, and time and again compromised on the issue because of kids, but there seems no end to it as my wife is too adamant.This excessive stress has deteriorated my health badly and i have become an acute anxiety patient.I will really appreciate if some wise friend could give a practical solution to this problem.Its too painful for me to see my kids suffering because of this.What does Islam say in such a situation, separation is no solution either as kids suffer, please help.
Administrator, please let it stay for a while till some viable solution comes, then delete it.Thanks

whatever replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 06:21 AM 

In islam, your mother has more rights then your wife.. but your sister has less rights then your wife.. you have to maintain this.. don't put your sister so high that, it become unbearable to your wife.. it is best to maintain the limit.. also, if your laws respect you then you should put this issue in front of this.. Only they can help you more then any.. also try to find any misconceptions between your sister and wife..

Any how, you still didn't mention what is the main reason of conflict. what you call respect? Taking orders from you sister isn't your wife duty.. But according to islam, your wife should be obedient to you.. Also, if this isn't the case, your wife over react without any reason, like your sister come to your house and she dis respect, or throw point on her that is also bad thing.. and against islam.. islam teaches us to respect the guest, especially your relatives..

Lastly, only you can find the solution, since you know the problem to be exact.. you have to listen and understand point of view of both sides.. I am like, when my wife say something for my mother, i come in front of her.. similarly if my mother does same, i try to protect my wife.. both thinks that i am on other side.. but in real i am neutral.. but i am choosing this attitude from the day one.. so everything is going according to my game plan.

ur friend replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 06:22 AM 

may be ur sister not properly treated to ur wife,misguiding u and getting benefit of ur great respect towards her.,
just manage with ur wife and kids, only give them priority,listen them properly ,
for example if u seprate ,then new woman and same story,then what would u do....

my advise is to pay ur maximum attention towards to family....

sincealry urs

Dr. A. M. Khan replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 06:25 AM 

While living abroad, I have been almost in the same situation like you. I talked with few friends and they are also suffering in the same situation. Mostly this women domination phenomena exists in western european countries where the situation is worst because of many facts (i.e limited/no education of our women, social welfare structure in europe, women want western style freedom, unequality of education between male and female, unavailability of parents/in-laws so no social pressure, accountability and many more...). To my understanding, the situation is worst where women are not educated and male is educated or visa-versa.
This is also the main reason of high divorce rate of Pakistanies in western countries because women dont behave the same way as they used to behave in pakistan. Women misused western freedom concept.
We have to pay the price of living abroad. Children are the main victims of parents conflicts. So, why should they suffer and this is the main argument in front of me and many others who have been thinking for divorce.
There is plenty of material to write on this topic and I cannot go into detail because time and web site does not allow me to write.
Friend, you have no choice but with limited surrender, patience and survival in this situation is the right direction. This is what I did. Other friends in this situation did the same, so you should follow similar track too.
Long term solution
I request to all, please educate our women they are still living in arrogance and in stone age.

WayOut replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 06:25 AM 

Brother,

You said your kids are already suffering so I suggest you divorce your wife as soon as possible. In my life, I have seen many cases where women have ruined families.

If you are in the Middle East you know it's a very easy procedure. If you are in the West best to hire a good solicitor. End of the day no one or any court can stop you from seeing your kids..... usually women threaten no access to kids.

I hope you will make the decision ASAP for your kids and your health sake. Remember you survived without your wife before you married.

One upset husband replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 07:03 AM 

I have two kinds (Daugher age < 2 year and son age is about < 3 months). I got married with highly educated girl who is doctor. My problem has some similarity with yours. I love my elder sister who sacrificied lot for me and still unmarried as similiary my mother who is great mother in this world. They both are very humble and supportive from my childhood and even after my marriage by all means and I respect and love them. Now I come to know that my wife does not like my such respecting and loving gesture to my family and she previouly tried her best to live separtely in one of his parents home which I did not accept on any cost.
Since I contribute about half of my salary in home expenses which now I come to know she does not like me to contribute. I as well as my mother and sister offered me not to contribute and run separate kitchen and other fairs and therefore I extended the same to my wife. When she calculated all the running expenses she refused to take this responsibility. She wants me to give her monthly pocket money whereas I have no budget and I even I am living every month with little borrowed money from sister or other sources. I do not spend a single peny on me and spend all on my wife and kinds needs. She seems to have superiority complex which is ruining our life and now I have fed up and stress out this continued situation. She becomes almost mad and talks very bad about my mohter and sister that they are sucking us etc but when she becomes normal she talks very high about them.
I am very upset that no body can image.
Can some one give solution

Well wisher replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 07:04 AM 

One thing i can suggest to ruined your family life since you have a kids , i have seen so many peoples took the hasty decesion and later on regrect the whole of life

Since you are living abraod the best way is try to explain your wife what you thinnk abut your sister , you may already done that but i think by givig a proper resons you can find a some solutions,


listen to her she may have a reasons, you can conclude some thing by clearing some of her issues with your sister , Till the dust is not setteled down the best way is they should not interact each other , avoid the this topic in the discussion


Divorce is not a solutios it will ruin kids and you more as i Know difficult to live without kids

Anger will spoil you

Anonymous replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 07:05 AM 

Usually women threaten that they will ruin the kids or hand over them to those whom you don't wish your kids to be with and will never allow you access to kids.
Can a woman barr her divorced husband to meet the the children? specially when father is willing ot provide a house and all boarding lodging expenses of children incl. divorced wife?
I agree with Dr. A.M.Khan, it happens in cases where men are educated and women are not. In case where women are more educated they have mostly better life, in any case man is never vicitimised as educated person is always reasonable.

Project 100 replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 07:09 AM 

My Dear,

There are many ways out.....

Would you mind reading a book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" written by Dale Carnegie. The book is available on major Book Stores. I believe, it will work for you. One forgives to the degree that one loves.

Thanks and Best Regards
Imran

Habib replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 07:30 AM 

Although each and every situation is different case to csae but I highlight few things which are helpful
Your wife respects your elders only if she respects you.
Strictly advise your wife not to have face to face arguments with your elders.
If your wife has some reservations against your elders listen calmly as you are understanding her but never discuss with your elders.
If you encouter a dominant and stuborn wife, but you have childeren as well and your wife has some other qualities never spoil your life that she is not respecting them. Respect and love is something from heart and you can never change that. Tell your wife only to maintain good working relations with your family.

Abdullah replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 07:52 AM 

Please understand following facts and you would be better-of inshallah:-

1. Rights of Wife are more than Sister in Islam, so please give your wife, her right. (if you want to respect your sister, its your choice, your wife does not have to do it)

2. Don't force your wife to respect your sister or vice versa, as respect can't be enforced, its always by choice.

3. If you want to help you sister, try not to tell your wife. There is no point a making official announcements if you want to give some financial help to your sister, as it would make things worse.

4. Talk to your wife when she is in a good mood (you might have to take her on holidays, as this is a norm in Europe etc) and then try to convey your feelings.

5. Please don't think of divorce as it would ruin your life, your wife's life and most importantly your kids life.

6. Here in the west, we can't force women to respect some one or server your sister/mother etc (neither Islam allows). Its the duty of man to server his parents/siters etc but not wife. Wife has the duty to server her own parents and not husband's parents. If she does it its kind of her, and if not, a good husband can't force her.


7. Are you fulfilling her rights; (Please don't mind but this has to be taken into account) i.e. financial, psycholigical, giving her proper time (just coming back from office and watch tv is not giving her time), taking her to holidays, haq-zojaeet (marriage rights; its imprtant).

8. In Islam its not the right of wife to cook food for you, or wash your dirty clothes, or was after food. If she is doing it, its kind of her, but you can't force her. You have to pay if she doesn't agree to do all this. If she is doing it, try to acknowledge it.

9. Normaly it take two hands to clap, Please look for any right you are not fulfilling. Its important, talk to her and ask her what does she thinks about that and things might get clear.

10. Please ask help from Allah and say your prayers etc regularly.


Wish you all the best, may Allah help us all.

Best Regards

worldguy replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 08:30 AM 

Well said Abdullah Bhai.

Farid-UAE replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 09:27 AM 

Well, i think, some things also pertain to a woman's nature..Woman want the husband not to be good terms with his sisters and mother..It is ver common...

ALso, most wives does not want the husband to financially do anything for their parents or brothers/sisters. On ehas to ask them that if they expect the same from their son , not to support them if they need financial assistance.

limo replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 09:59 AM 

Habib made a very valid point that if your wife truly respects you, she would definitely give respect to your parents and other family members.And i personally believe that this is the first lesson that a girl is supposed to be taught by her parents while marring her that "you have to give full respect to each member of your inlaws" and this is the way she can quickly win the heart of her husband.
What Abdullah said is perfect too and exactly what Islam says BUT wont work out in our culture at all.Do we have a concept of "pardah from dever in our society" not offcourse.Islam asks to keep your wife in separate home, no joit family system at all. I have a childhood friend who is having a perfect married life, when asked the secret he told that my wife respects my parents and family members more that hers and i do the same too.Simple key, does not cost anything and yet assures a happy married life.At the end i would say divorce has never been a solution to such problems, one should never think on these lines.When no trick works, just take the things as your fate brother "no way out".

AS replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 11:52 AM 

Some W O M E N must offer their comments on this issue.

Shahid replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 12:24 PM 

Best advice is that from Abdullah. May Allah bless him for sharing his wisdom. All 10 points he mentioned are worth acting.

smone 2 smbody replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 03:05 PM 

its painful to see kids going through,but kids their own way of understanding.
i really wish to give you a suggestion but frankly there are many questions unasked.
like once smbody said (man has got to do ,what hes got to do)
use your own wisdom and bit of politics.)

overseas wisher replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 04:19 PM 

Women's brain is very very complicated and we all men can't understand it even after 40 years of marriage and Women will get you regardless of what you do.

In youe case,your biggest draw back is your sister so you need to stay away from your family as much as you can,this is hard fact but you have to swallow it.Try to help your wife's family as much as you can and this will improve your relation only.

AM replied on Monday, September 14, 2009 08:08 PM 

Assalam-u-Alaikum wr wb:

Brother, first of all,
1 - Ask Allah Subhana wa Tallah for help and make things easy for you and for your family.

2- Understand that family is most important thing in ones life. Divorce should only be last resort when nothing seems to work.

2- Understand the problem. What is main issue that your wife does not respect your sister.

3- Ask your self what could you do to make things better.
4- Your sister is also very important but not important enough to break your family.

5- Your wife and kids take priority over your sister but make sure they do not get wrong idea that they do not have to behave properly to your sister.

6- Ask your sister to be more cooperative and for any misbehave ask your sister to forgive you.

7- Try not to take sides.

8- Do not say anything to any party infront of any other party. Rather use seperate place and time to explain.

9- There is hadith of Propet Muhammad peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, that woman is born from the rib of man. If you try to straighten it, it would break. So be wise.

10- Ask your wife what is minimal she could compromise on and ask your sister what is minimal on which she could compromise.


May Allah make things easy for you.
Remember kids are the most who suffer. If your wife respects you and love you, then be linient and do not be harsh on her due to this matter rather take a political and linient approach.

m.a.b replied on Tuesday, September 15, 2009 03:50 AM 

Chinese way out.
A long time ago in China, a girl named Li-Li got married and went to live with her husband and mother-in-law. In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all.

Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.

Days passed days, and weeks passed weeks. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting. But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish.

All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li's poor husband great distress.

Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it.

Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs. She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all. Mr. Huang thought for a while, and finally said, Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you. Li-Li said, "Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do."

Mr.Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs.

He told Li-Li, "You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious. Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body.

Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving. Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspects you when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen."

Li-Li was so happy. She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.

Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr.Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother. After six months had passed, the whole household had changed.

Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument with her mother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.

The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in- law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter.

Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening.

One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again. She said, "Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law! She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her."

Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. "Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her."

MORAL: Brothers and Sisters have you ever realized that how you treat others is exactly how they will treat you?

There is a wise Chinese saying: 'The person who loves others will also be loved in return.'

Rana replied on Tuesday, September 15, 2009 09:31 AM 

Excellent solution from WHATEVER and totaly stupid attitude from WAYOUT.

Anonymous replied on Tuesday, September 15, 2009 12:36 PM 

Dear someone 2 somebody, you are right but in reality man has other things to do... if he is a professional competing with whole world than he need support from family or he may loose his mind and related consequences.
IMO, Divorce is the best option once all efforts has been exhausted but it is too complicate to execute.
It influence your own brothers and sisters life and your parents cannot imagine to loose their grand children and infect it is one's own parents which suffer most from divorce of his son.
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